Category Archives: Teresa?Trump letters

My World Policy

WHflorida

Dear TERESA, got it right, but now my dictation typist takes over. I dictate and she rights.

Sometimes we leaders have got to stick together, though I am the leader of the Free World and you are Prime Minister of Medium Britain, as I have decided to call you now. I’m glad things are proceeding with my state visit. I want to meet your fuzzy wuzzies with guns that the Queen has and I will ask if she can spare some for over here.

You may be aware that guns are a bit in the news over here after the Florida accident. I was very sympathetic to the poor critters who had lost children as the picture shows quite clearly. They were upset, bless them, and started blaming the GUNS instead of the nutter who was using the gun. Never blame the gun, I say, when it is the human who is mad. We have a problem with mad humans. Everyone can see that. We must be ready to shoot them.

Mind you, I had a problem. My solution was to arm the teachers. I said it out straight to the crying people I let in the White House. That will solve it I said. But then it came out that there was an armed officer with a gun at the Florida School. He stood outside for four minutes without shooting because he did not want to be killed. He was messing my policy up before I said it. It is difficult to be world leader when you are surrounded by idiots. Now we need guys to shoot the teachers with guns who do not shoot the mad killers.

But now I have discovered my world policy. Just as guns keep everybody safe here in the Great United States of America (I do not like GUSA; it does not sound right – the President added quietly), so, this is a long sentence, Jolene, we need more guns and bombs around the world to keep everybody safe. Did you get that, Jolene? The problem in Syria is that the Ruskies are selling bombs and stuff to Assad, and we are not selling enough bombs and stuff to the other side. They say they can’t afford them and are dying, but they would be better spending money on bombs than hospitals and stuff, because when the bombs are equal the war will stop. In the same way when all the weapons are equal all around the world, then all the wars will end. That is world policy. Goddammit, I’ve got to finish this soon. What is her name?

I’m offering you a whole load of our weapons cheap, Teresa. I hear you are having problems with France and Northern Ireland, but if you have weapons they will fall into line. So that’s it. That is Free World policy. So, let’s get on with it. And could I have a soldier on every hole of my golf course just in case.

Thank you Teresa and Jolene, over and out.

The President of the Great United States of America

My dear Donald, if I still may,

trumpmay

It has been very good to listen to you on the phone and to meet you at Davos. I must say we have tremendous rapport, stand shoulder to shoulder and I am right behind you. And I know, contrary to reports, that you have great respect for everything I am doing as I do for your scintillating intellect. I thought I would write to you, because that gives me more room to cover the points you address so well when you interrupt. I know the person reading this letter to you will not be interrupted, because you know I am not actually there to hear you.

First, I must say how terrific it is to have a new American Embassy on the South Bank. Although I understand that you were disappointed with the site and the contribution of ex-President Obama (and George W. Bush) to the move, I would like to say that Mayfair has gone down in London. All kinds of undesirables live there now. And we have a policy of putting intelligence on the South Bank, and that is where you belong, as your recent health check confirmed.

Then I want to complete my sentence in the stupendous trade deal which is going to make our two countries prosper even more than they are under our leadership, though you are world leader and I am merely leader of the ex-British empire, as you pointed out at Davos. I was saying, “We want to buy your fighter planes, missiles, bombs, intelligence, superb hamburgers, jeans, popular records, bleached chicken, celebrity statements, television chat shows and many other products without any import duties”. You said, “Done” at that point, but I must go on record as saying I had not completed the sentence. I was going to add, “in exchange for our Stilton cheese, jellied eels, period dramas, stately homes, afternoon teas, antique wall-plates, trousers with turnups and other exports which I’m sure we have, also without duties.” So, we have to do a two-sided deal, and I am not, as you say, “a complete walkover.”

We just want to say how much you are in our news. Almost every day there is a story about you reflecting your position as world leader. I do not mind. I knew your Government had not broken down, as mine has not, and that headline was fake news and I know you are going to build the Mexico Wall. We will send some concrete over, if it will help. We are discussing secretly in Cabinet rebuilding the old wall between England and Scotland. The northern people tend to swamp us and do not vote the right way, and a wall which kept them out and us in control would be a good idea. You would understand.

Just a few small points I was not able to make when we were together and I was listening to you. Do remember to put your nuclear button in a cupboard. Our ambassador said you nearly put your Coke can on it. Then, again, can we have some fighter aircraft bodies to put on our new carriers; we can do the engines later. Then, we have made a statement that all the bombs we are dropping in Syria are not killing any civilians. Could you do the same, please. And, I’ve this person called Boris I would like to send over for six months to learn our foreign policy. He likes the Great United States of America and will help your trade.

Finally, the Queen asked me to say, “We” (she always uses we) “are doing a slow refurbishment (makeover) of Buckingham Palace so that it will be ready to receive that nice big American man. We, or one of our aides if I cannot find the words, will let him know when we, or our successors, are ready to receive him in our humble abode.” I find that very touching. It is an urgent, but not quite yet, invitation from her Majesty, especially when Prince Philip keeps talking about dry rot.

I hope you will continue to lead the free world and I am right behind, yet with the independence that we gained in 1776, holding on to our special relationship.

Your humble and obedient ally,

Theresa (not Treesa) Prime Minister, United Kingdom, you met at Davos.

New Year’s Greetings.

May

My dear Donald,

This is to wish you a happy New Year, and also to the employee reading this to you. Now it is 2018, another year, and we will all have to do different things. My New Year resolution is to leave some things alone. Perhaps we can do this together, hand in hand. I will leave Europe alone and you can leave North Korea alone. Just think of Kim Jong Un as a leader with a bad hairstyle and small features set in a vast sea of face. He thrives on publicity and having enemies, and a much better policy is just to ignore him. After all, you are world leader and he is just a small person with a big mouth. If we leave him alone, maybe his mouth will stay shut.

We do have to think what to do with his wockets. They are dangerous. You remember one of ours, which you had sold to us, went astray and was heading towards you until it was destroyed. Wockets and buttons are good things, but there is a bit of a problem. We have said we will use our wockets first, because if we only use them when we are all dead, that is not much use, and anyway we want to be first and leaders and things, though you are the world leader. So, you may want to use them first, when Kim Jong Un is a bit rude. But pressing the button first and nuking North Korea might not be a good idea. I keep my nuclear button in a cupboard so that I do not do anything stupid, although we would have to ask your permission first to use our independent nuclear deterrent and then you would turn them on. Why don’t you just be rude to him. If I may paraphrase an old English saying, “Sticks and nuclear bombs will hurt my bones, but words will hurt even more.” I think, if you call him little and fat and point out he cannot play golf, that will upset him more than nuking him. When things get really bad, we say, “Ya Boo”. That really hurts them. Then you will not have to think about your button. That would be a good way forward.

We are doing well in Great Britain, although you are the Greatest United States of America. We put GUSA first and have walked away from Europe to prove it. I have taken to drinking Diet Cokes to keep me thin, like you, and we watch American films all the time including the great victories of the Cowboys over the Indians and your victory in World War Two and Vietnam.

We have hit a bit of a problem with the Royal Wedding. The bride, being a woman of colour, wants to invite the Obamas to the wedding, and the Queen has said Yes because she meets people of colour all the time. She does not know you personally, and so you have not been invited. It is a small, cheap, wedding and they are trying to keep the costs down, and there will be quite a few ordinary people there, so you won’t miss much. We will arrange for you to meet the Queen in the Palace sometime, though the Queen has said she is awfully, awfully busy. She wants to meet you in a few years time when her mind has had time to mature. So, we will discuss your State visit later; it must be the event of the century. I still remember my visit to the United States when you held my hand.

I hope you saw our new Aircraft Carriers. They are nearly as big as yours. We need some of your F35 planes to put on them, because they are the best. I know they cost you over a trillion dollars, but we hope you can give us some as soon as possible at a lower cost. Our critics are pointing out that having aircraft carriers without aircraft for a decade is a bit stupid. Perhaps you have a few rejects we could pick up cheap that we could put on the top, even if they don’t fly.

I must say the world is a safer place with you as President, Mr Trump. May your golf course prosper, you keep out of bunkers and your handicap stay low, and I have not mentioned Russia.

Your closest ally,

Theresa (May, Prime Minister United Kingdom across Atlantic)

My Very Dear Donald,

May

Thank you for your wonderful letter full of informalities and pearls of wisdom. Could you put the “e” before the “r” in my name, please. It’s harder than “Donald”. I shall treasure it as pure you and it will probably finish up in the Ordinary British Museum to show that you wrote to us. We await the Great United States of America Announcement and I am teaching all our people to say GUSA now, though Boris will take a long while to learn it. Trumpacare sounds very nice too.

I am glad, Mr President, that you are addressing the North Korean situation. I said last year in the Trident debate, we need our nuclear weapons to defend ourselves against North Korea, and you are even nearer than we are. I seem to remember that General MacArthur wanted to drop atomic bombs on them in the Korean War. It is a pity he did not finish the job.

I do not understand why North Korea should want nuclear weapons and missiles. They should know that we have about eight thousand and they will have only about ten. That is pathetic. I do not know what they are frightened of. I hope you will let me know of any attack and we will send one of our smaller missiles along too and an attack helicopter in support of your strike. I may not be Tony Blair but I can back GUSA when you need me.

You said in your wonderful letter that you had installed buttons on our missiles to switch them off if necessary. I know you made them and kindly exported them to us, and I know that when one of your superb wockets went astray off your coast in one of our trials, you were able to explode it before it damaged the United States. I was very grateful for that and staying allies and not thinking of nuking us, but I have to say that we are supposed to have an independent nuclear deterrent, and if noise of your buttons got around it would be difficult for me in the House of Commons. Corbyn, that awful man, might want an off-button too.

I think the way you sack your staff is so impressive. As a woman I find it more difficult. I want to sack most of mine. Boris is mentally in a scrum, Philip has to go. Gove is still in short trousers. But they are after me, like they are after you, and I am too afraid to sack them. They would seek their revenge. It is indeed lonely at the top. That is why we must stick together, me slightly behind. I have asked the Queen to retrain the staff for your visit and I understand you want all the furry hat soldiers who stamp to do their show. Of course. And there is a room in the palace with a long carpet where you can practice putting.

With my effusive best wishes and the understanding that the British will want to buy everything from GUSA in our new trade deal.

Teresa May (Ordinary Britain Prime Minister, your ally)

If you are reading this to him say what a nice letter it is.

Dear Treesa

trump

I thort i’ts time yoo gotten a tweet from me to yoo NOW. I try to rite out of the system, so they carnt get me. Sleazy Washington that is.

I learnt to tipe for my fans and twitter, but will not put my secretary on this one. Its pure me. Yoo can save it for history

Ta for the invite. Ill be over sometime when your Queen has cleared the Palace West Wing and yoov trained the staff. May stay for golf.

Contry to the media, the White House is not shit. Im planning doing it blue with another ten storys. Yoo must quit that terrace!

Hilary is in leeeG with RUSSIA and RUSSIA is the enemy. North Korea can be a US State and China is DISAPPOINTING. See it clearly, not through FAKE NEWS.

Thank yoo for looking after my golf course and keeping the Scots quiet up there. I need a runway right by it on flat land. Thanks.

I’ts a bit scary here! My workers are goin mad sackin one another, but now I’ve put a General in charge and heel shoot hell out of them that steps out of line. Is that sentence too long?

But weer running the greatest show on earth and weeve done nearly everything already. I’m changing Omabacare to Trumpcare.

Someone’s got to be in CHARGE, Treesa, and in Britain its yoo under me of course, not FAKE NEWS.

Yoove got to get your family in the Goverment. Your man could be Treasury with his hands on the money and then you can move things.

Get the stock market up and all the rich kids wont give a damn about anything else. Its wot yoo say that counts not what yoo doo.

Remember, If yoo change your mind, its still the same mind, because its your mind.

Weer doing a major trade deal. Yoo need our beef, our planes, our bombs, our films, our steel, our corn and we need your beefeaters and things.

Tell your Boris guy that I like GUSA, but I’m not sure about GB. It’s a bit hi and mighty close to us and you should change it to Ordinary Britain or OB. GUSA and OB – that’s nice.

I’m working on nuking all the people who can nuke us. You don’t count cos yoove got our nukes anyway and weeve got switches.

That’s all you need for now. Dont mention it. Remember the runway.

Donald, the GestPOTGUSA.