Category Archives: Teresa?Trump letters

My Very Dear Donald,

May

Thank you for your wonderful letter full of informalities and pearls of wisdom. Could you put the “e” before the “r” in my name, please. It’s harder than “Donald”. I shall treasure it as pure you and it will probably finish up in the Ordinary British Museum to show that you wrote to us. We await the Great United States of America Announcement and I am teaching all our people to say GUSA now, though Boris will take a long while to learn it. Trumpacare sounds very nice too.

I am glad, Mr President, that you are addressing the North Korean situation. I said last year in the Trident debate, we need our nuclear weapons to defend ourselves against North Korea, and you are even nearer than we are. I seem to remember that General MacArthur wanted to drop atomic bombs on them in the Korean War. It is a pity he did not finish the job.

I do not understand why North Korea should want nuclear weapons and missiles. They should know that we have about eight thousand and they will have only about ten. That is pathetic. I do not know what they are frightened of. I hope you will let me know of any attack and we will send one of our smaller missiles along too and an attack helicopter in support of your strike. I may not be Tony Blair but I can back GUSA when you need me.

You said in your wonderful letter that you had installed buttons on our missiles to switch them off if necessary. I know you made them and kindly exported them to us, and I know that when one of your superb wockets went astray off your coast in one of our trials, you were able to explode it before it damaged the United States. I was very grateful for that and staying allies and not thinking of nuking us, but I have to say that we are supposed to have an independent nuclear deterrent, and if noise of your buttons got around it would be difficult for me in the House of Commons. Corbyn, that awful man, might want an off-button too.

I think the way you sack your staff is so impressive. As a woman I find it more difficult. I want to sack most of mine. Boris is mentally in a scrum, Philip has to go. Gove is still in short trousers. But they are after me, like they are after you, and I am too afraid to sack them. They would seek their revenge. It is indeed lonely at the top. That is why we must stick together, me slightly behind. I have asked the Queen to retrain the staff for your visit and I understand you want all the furry hat soldiers who stamp to do their show. Of course. And there is a room in the palace with a long carpet where you can practice putting.

With my effusive best wishes and the understanding that the British will want to buy everything from GUSA in our new trade deal.

Teresa May (Ordinary Britain Prime Minister, your ally)

If you are reading this to him say what a nice letter it is.

Dear Treesa

trump

I thort i’ts time yoo gotten a tweet from me to yoo NOW. I try to rite out of the system, so they carnt get me. Sleazy Washington that is.

I learnt to tipe for my fans and twitter, but will not put my secretary on this one. Its pure me. Yoo can save it for history

Ta for the invite. Ill be over sometime when your Queen has cleared the Palace West Wing and yoov trained the staff. May stay for golf.

Contry to the media, the White House is not shit. Im planning doing it blue with another ten storys. Yoo must quit that terrace!

Hilary is in leeeG with RUSSIA and RUSSIA is the enemy. North Korea can be a US State and China is DISAPPOINTING. See it clearly, not through FAKE NEWS.

Thank yoo for looking after my golf course and keeping the Scots quiet up there. I need a runway right by it on flat land. Thanks.

I’ts a bit scary here! My workers are goin mad sackin one another, but now I’ve put a General in charge and heel shoot hell out of them that steps out of line. Is that sentence too long?

But weer running the greatest show on earth and weeve done nearly everything already. I’m changing Omabacare to Trumpcare.

Someone’s got to be in CHARGE, Treesa, and in Britain its yoo under me of course, not FAKE NEWS.

Yoove got to get your family in the Goverment. Your man could be Treasury with his hands on the money and then you can move things.

Get the stock market up and all the rich kids wont give a damn about anything else. Its wot yoo say that counts not what yoo doo.

Remember, If yoo change your mind, its still the same mind, because its your mind.

Weer doing a major trade deal. Yoo need our beef, our planes, our bombs, our films, our steel, our corn and we need your beefeaters and things.

Tell your Boris guy that I like GUSA, but I’m not sure about GB. It’s a bit hi and mighty close to us and you should change it to Ordinary Britain or OB. GUSA and OB – that’s nice.

I’m working on nuking all the people who can nuke us. You don’t count cos yoove got our nukes anyway and weeve got switches.

That’s all you need for now. Dont mention it. Remember the runway.

Donald, the GestPOTGUSA.