Dear Donald,

Well what a roller coaster it is running world politics! I recognise that Medium Britain, as I now call it in deference to the Great United States of America, is concerned with more humble things than cross your desk every day. But I hope you will pay attention to the person reading this while you play on your computer and comb your hair. We in MB are Brexiting, which means we are leaving Europe. We will stay in the same place, but we are cutting our political ties and becoming independent, like you so wisely did in 1776. That means all we have is our special relationship with you, and I treasure that above all. I remember the Beatles hit, “I Wanna Hold your Hand” as one of my favourite bits of music about world affairs..

Leaving Europe is very difficult, but I am being strong and stable. Thank you for your advice about building a wall across Ireland, but I think we won’t. The locals like blowing walls up, although in recent times they have had less of your explosives, for which we are very grateful. We are trying to make a frictionless wall which is not there and yet is. We think it makes more sense. It is like people playing two games – Draughts and Noughts and Crosses – which I know you like. They just have to know which game they are playing when they cross the invisible border and we have to know too, and then it works.

We want to trade more with GUSA, and are working on it. We like our meat battered into shapeless slabs and will be quite happy changing the shape of our cricket bats. We need some more of your super missiles to frighten the Russians and some more fighters to put on our aircraft carriers. Some of them can be dummies as long as they look good. The Starfighter is the best in the world, even though it is a bit expensive. Fortunately, poor people are costing us less, so we can spend more on weapons. My defence man, Gavin Williamson wants British bases around the world, though not as many as you, so we can be Great again, and not just Medium. If you sell arms to the Middle East and we push them too, perhaps we can persuade them to buy even more, especially if a few unfortunate conflicts are going on like the one in Yemen, which we, like you, never mention. I was very pleased with your announcement that you have won the war in Afghanistan an made the Taliban much nicer. I’m sure, too, that you can persuade the North Koreans that you do not want to attack them and their missiles are entirely wrong and not needed as a deterrent. That WE should be deterred is an absurd idea. We deter others but do not need deterring, because we are good.

I see you have your problem with Nancy Perlosi, like I have my problem with Corbyn. Extremists are always difficult to deal with and both could destroy our countries. Corbyn has this extreme policy with Brexit that he only wants to be on the edge of Europe rather than come out firmly. It seems a moderate policy, but he holds it extremely and will destroy the country if I do not stay in power, which I am determined to do. When I Brexit on time, the Conservative Party will fall behind me and all will be well.

So, I hope your state of the Union address goes well and you can read it. Perhaps you should edit out the big words. I congratulate you on opening up the American Government for business again, a truly statesmanlike act, and as you look to the future with your lips firm and your hair blowing gently in the breeze I am sure that the greatness of America, the GUSA spirit, will flood through the nation. It is not WHAT we do, but what WE DO, or SAY WE DO, that counts.

Your humble and obedient servant,

Teresa May,

Prime Minister of Medium Britain.