My dear Donald, if I May,

So, at last you are coming. I am ecstatic. It is just what I need right now in the calm of the English summer. We politicians are just sitting about eating strawberries. Welcome to the United Kingdom. Of course, we are not a Kingdom but a Queendom. She is a woman in charge, like me. Shake hands with her first and then with the men in uniforms. Welcome to your Britain, metaphorically of course – the place of your primitive ancestors. It is wonderful that you are coming here to set our people on fire with togetherness and the spirit of capitalism. This note is to be read to you as you fly over to prepare you for the visit. You will need to sit down and get someone to read it to you slowly a couple of times..

First, you have already announced that “Britain is in turmoil”. It is good you are taking note of us, and I know what you mean, but I beg you not to say, “and I will sort it out”. Though you are wonderful at doing events and resignations, saying that here might upset a lot of people. If they decide to turn the sentence around and try to sort you out, it could be ugly, so please do not say those words or offer to make us another state of the Great USA, or GUSA, as we regularly say.

The intensity of the mood here is related to the World Cup and that soccer football game thingy event. Lots of our people wanted us to win, so that we can be World Champions, but not really World Champions because you are already, and we know that American football is the greatest game in the world after golf. But we lost to an upcoming world power called Coatia and the peasants are a bit miffed. They will be marching around chanting with banners and big balloons of their favourite stars, but a bit grumpy. You will sadly not have time to talk to them about football and things or look at their balloons.

On golf, your outstanding visit to the golf course is fully planned. As I told you in my last letter we have got photos of all the balls going down the holes and just await pictures of you resolute on the tees, the starting place, to line up with them. We also need a Card in your large handwriting showing a round in 18, signed by you. Yes, it has never happened before. I have already got the Cabinet to sign the Card. Sadly, we cannot sell any of the islands at the top left or the big one lower down which is not fully ours. Scotland will probably not want you to run it just now, even though you are linked to their Royal Family, and their music is bad. Sometimes the Scots are hostile to the English and to visitors who want to buy their country.

I hope you are still listening. We have tried to lay on the biggest State visit for anyone ever, bigger than for all other American Presidents. The centre of a State visit is the Queen, who is like our Donald Trump but smaller. When we sing, “God save the Queen” you do not have to do anything. When you meet the Queen could you remember she may have a bit of an infection and you must only touch her hands which will have gloves on to keep you safe. She has taken to muttering about independence and growing up, and is beginning to resent her welcoming job, so it is best to smile and talk about animals. She is not selling any of her Scottish castles. Prince Philip will look after your wife, but she will not be able to understand anything he says, especially about you. Your visit will also get mixed up with a big military exercise in case we are attacked by Iceland. It will involve rings of steel, lots of troops and may mean that millions of your admiring fans will have to be kept at a distance.

Could I also mention Boris. You said that you liked him, and I am grateful that your people taught him where countries are on the map, though he still thinks Venezuela is in Africa. He is taking a break and going to try to comb his hair like you. Like yourself he is keen on being Churchill and is a great fan of GUSA. Feel free on this visit to endorse him as a future Prime Minister and mention all his similarities to yourself. Your recommendation will go a long way with the British people, who hang on your every word.

So, could I say how proud we are to have you and your wife visit this humble country, with whom you have this special patronizing relationship. We will not be able to honour you enough and must keep your adoring fans at bay but look forward to holding hands and doing all kinds of exciting things. And could I apologize. We organised a massive flypast of military planes, but it happened a week early by mistake. Don’t mention Russia or Brexit, and we already know we were in the wrong in 1776. Remember, we start the day five hours earlier than you and I am supposed to be Prime Minister here. Thank you for listening. You might like to get an explanation of the long words we use over here in simple English. Gohomeyounutter means Welcome, and Goodriddance means It has been lovely to see you.

Your adoring fan, Theresa, (Prime Minister, UK)