My dear Donald, if I still may,


It has been very good to listen to you on the phone and to meet you at Davos. I must say we have tremendous rapport, stand shoulder to shoulder and I am right behind you. And I know, contrary to reports, that you have great respect for everything I am doing as I do for your scintillating intellect. I thought I would write to you, because that gives me more room to cover the points you address so well when you interrupt. I know the person reading this letter to you will not be interrupted, because you know I am not actually there to hear you.

First, I must say how terrific it is to have a new American Embassy on the South Bank. Although I understand that you were disappointed with the site and the contribution of ex-President Obama (and George W. Bush) to the move, I would like to say that Mayfair has gone down in London. All kinds of undesirables live there now. And we have a policy of putting intelligence on the South Bank, and that is where you belong, as your recent health check confirmed.

Then I want to complete my sentence in the stupendous trade deal which is going to make our two countries prosper even more than they are under our leadership, though you are world leader and I am merely leader of the ex-British empire, as you pointed out at Davos. I was saying, “We want to buy your fighter planes, missiles, bombs, intelligence, superb hamburgers, jeans, popular records, bleached chicken, celebrity statements, television chat shows and many other products without any import duties”. You said, “Done” at that point, but I must go on record as saying I had not completed the sentence. I was going to add, “in exchange for our Stilton cheese, jellied eels, period dramas, stately homes, afternoon teas, antique wall-plates, trousers with turnups and other exports which I’m sure we have, also without duties.” So, we have to do a two-sided deal, and I am not, as you say, “a complete walkover.”

We just want to say how much you are in our news. Almost every day there is a story about you reflecting your position as world leader. I do not mind. I knew your Government had not broken down, as mine has not, and that headline was fake news and I know you are going to build the Mexico Wall. We will send some concrete over, if it will help. We are discussing secretly in Cabinet rebuilding the old wall between England and Scotland. The northern people tend to swamp us and do not vote the right way, and a wall which kept them out and us in control would be a good idea. You would understand.

Just a few small points I was not able to make when we were together and I was listening to you. Do remember to put your nuclear button in a cupboard. Our ambassador said you nearly put your Coke can on it. Then, again, can we have some fighter aircraft bodies to put on our new carriers; we can do the engines later. Then, we have made a statement that all the bombs we are dropping in Syria are not killing any civilians. Could you do the same, please. And, I’ve this person called Boris I would like to send over for six months to learn our foreign policy. He likes the Great United States of America and will help your trade.

Finally, the Queen asked me to say, “We” (she always uses we) “are doing a slow refurbishment (makeover) of Buckingham Palace so that it will be ready to receive that nice big American man. We, or one of our aides if I cannot find the words, will let him know when we, or our successors, are ready to receive him in our humble abode.” I find that very touching. It is an urgent, but not quite yet, invitation from her Majesty, especially when Prince Philip keeps talking about dry rot.

I hope you will continue to lead the free world and I am right behind, yet with the independence that we gained in 1776, holding on to our special relationship.

Your humble and obedient ally,

Theresa (not Treesa) Prime Minister, United Kingdom, you met at Davos.

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