My World Policy

WHflorida

Dear TERESA, got it right, but now my dictation typist takes over. I dictate and she rights.

Sometimes we leaders have got to stick together, though I am the leader of the Free World and you are Prime Minister of Medium Britain, as I have decided to call you now. I’m glad things are proceeding with my state visit. I want to meet your fuzzy wuzzies with guns that the Queen has and I will ask if she can spare some for over here.

You may be aware that guns are a bit in the news over here after the Florida accident. I was very sympathetic to the poor critters who had lost children as the picture shows quite clearly. They were upset, bless them, and started blaming the GUNS instead of the nutter who was using the gun. Never blame the gun, I say, when it is the human who is mad. We have a problem with mad humans. Everyone can see that. We must be ready to shoot them.

Mind you, I had a problem. My solution was to arm the teachers. I said it out straight to the crying people I let in the White House. That will solve it I said. But then it came out that there was an armed officer with a gun at the Florida School. He stood outside for four minutes without shooting because he did not want to be killed. He was messing my policy up before I said it. It is difficult to be world leader when you are surrounded by idiots. Now we need guys to shoot the teachers with guns who do not shoot the mad killers.

But now I have discovered my world policy. Just as guns keep everybody safe here in the Great United States of America (I do not like GUSA; it does not sound right – the President added quietly), so, this is a long sentence, Jolene, we need more guns and bombs around the world to keep everybody safe. Did you get that, Jolene? The problem in Syria is that the Ruskies are selling bombs and stuff to Assad, and we are not selling enough bombs and stuff to the other side. They say they can’t afford them and are dying, but they would be better spending money on bombs than hospitals and stuff, because when the bombs are equal the war will stop. In the same way when all the weapons are equal all around the world, then all the wars will end. That is world policy. Goddammit, I’ve got to finish this soon. What is her name?

I’m offering you a whole load of our weapons cheap, Teresa. I hear you are having problems with France and Northern Ireland, but if you have weapons they will fall into line. So that’s it. That is Free World policy. So, let’s get on with it. And could I have a soldier on every hole of my golf course just in case.

Thank you Teresa and Jolene, over and out.

The President of the Great United States of America

Before the Eye

DSC_0305

We Cambridge people think things through a bit,

While you make light of light and then switch off.

So photons travel 60 trillion miles,

without much fuel, nearly straight ahead,

while we are merely going round the Sun.

They thread a needle’s eye but are diffuse,

And seem to be quite light, and do not fight.

They give us paintings, colours, tone and line,

and, subtle, bounce some six or seven times.

So did this all evolve, our retinas

from sense cells formed in early slime?

No, this exquisite universe alight,

Was made before the animate was born,

before all eyes had ever come to form.

My Speech to the Nation

boris

Friends, Romans, Countrymen,

I have been asked by Teresa to speak to you about Brexit, and I am happy to oblige. It is a privilege. Indeed, privilege to be an Englishman, and to vote for myself and all I stand for, is what Brexit is about. I will not mention the War. Indeed, I cannot mention the War, because I might say something silly and spoil my chances of becoming the next Prime Minister. As I sit in Cabinet with a slight smile on my face, at once loyal and distant, I think “What would Billy Bunter do?” and I know he would have voted for Brexit, illegally, because he was under age, but voted nonetheless.

And Brutus, et tu Brute, as they taught us at school, he would have voted for Brexit – not Brexit left as the stage directions say, for Corbyn is a lean and hungry man. He thinks too much. Such men are dangerous, as I Julius so perceptively saw it in ancient Rome. No, we must fight them in the trenches and fight them in the restaurants. What after all is wrong with bangers and mash and fish and chips, as long as they come in the Daily Mail?

But I want to reach out to the remainers, those poor losers who were not taken in by all the things I was saying. Let me say to you that once I was not sure, and Dave was Prime Minister. Then I made up my mind and Dave went and so did George. That was a great day and remained so (if I may use the word) until my friend, Michael Gove, withdrew support for me as Prime Minister, and I was stabbed, but not fatally. Now you too can agree with what I say, and lose your critical faculties.

When we are fully Brexit and people vote again as Brits, and they can only vote Conservative, because Conservatives are for growth, equality, empire, the Monarchy, though I am not sure about Charles, wealth and prosperity for all, then I may still be Prime Minister, because Teresa is a loser and I am a winner, and that is what Brexit is for.

The time has come for Britain to be great again. That is why I wrote my book about Churchill and try to look like him. We need to think globally and reconstruct the Empire. We do not need Europe. Indeed, holidays in Europe are parochial. They lack vision. Let us reach out I say. Let us look to far horizons. Let us pull together. The scrum of life is before us. In rugby we push and in rowing we pull, and that is what Britain is all about.

As we march to victory with boundary changes in my constituency, let us realize that never in human history was so much owed by so many to so few with still even more money in tax havens, as Winston said. Sit down to rapturous applause and dip slightly having tousled hair in an endearing manner.

To the President of the Great United States of America.

May

My dear Donald,

Could I just say that you are a wonderful President and are leading the Great United States of America to a new wonderful future and are making decisive decisions every day and are the great world leader of our time. At this point, rather than having my letter read to you, you might like to read it directly yourself word by word, because I have a few things to discuss privately. Thank you.

First, can I say in short words that we do not like you to say that our health service is not doing well. I have checked your exact words, and you say that our system is “going broke and not working”. I need to say that is not good enough, when I am trying to say the opposite. People are supposed to be nice to their friends, so that when they need them, they support them in turn. I could criticize you and say that I think your wall is silly, not that I do – it is a wonderful wall, or it will be when it is eventually built, but we do not do that to our friends.

In England we have an old English word called “etiquette”. It means you smooth your skirt when you sit down and hold your tea cup nicely. Etiquette says there are a lot of things that are not done and rubbishing your friends is one of them, or rather NOT rubbishing your friends. Can I say I do not expect any more of the things I am doing over here to be rubbished across the world. It Is Not Done, IIND for short. Keep saying IIND to yourself when you talk about Britain.

So, for example, I could say the US Stock Market is going broke and is not working, after yesterday’s slump, but IIND, because it would not be supporting you as world leader and might make things difficult for you, and because you are a great businessman and build good towers called Trump Towers.

By the way, if I may, did you like the bricks I sent you? I hope your wife liked the shoes. You can play with the bricks on your desk. The letters on the side say, “Trump Tower”, and they are on all sides of the brick so that it does not matter which way round you put them, though you must not get them upside down, something it is easy to do in politics. Because you have to start at the bottom, (or at least the proletariat does. ha ha ha) you have to put the bricks on in the order R E W O T P M U R T and then when you stand back it spells TRUMP TOWER downwards. I know you like things which stick up and it may take your mind off other things like wockets. Sorry I mentioned them.

We are still working on your visit. The Queen has suggested you might like to go to Balmoral, which is her castle in the North. That way you can visit your golf course, we can arrange a rapturous welcome, you could kill a few stags and have the great English delicacy called Haggis. I will send over a kilt for you to wear and although your fans all over Britain will not see much of you, it will be a royal occasion – If the Queen is well enough to attend. At present she has a nasty persistent cough. You mentioned you quite liked the idea of being king of the GUSA, and you will be able to discuss that with the Duke of Edinburgh, Prince Philip who never quite made it. Ha. Ha. Ha. Do not mention to the Queen that you like her job or want your head on our stamps.

I am looking forward to seeing you again. I do not have much excitement over here and it is nice having a closest ally. Next time we meet we could discuss possible enemies, your brick tower and I will not mention the Russians. Oops. Thank you for getting Teresa right. I like to be three syllables.

Theresa May
United Kingdom (British) Prime Minister.

Beyond Artificial Intelligence

MAadam

So we are pale reflections, we see the
Things that we have made, that serve us here,
The manufactured things for us to be,
Usward, our make life easy, comfort gear.
But then we make the objects beautiful,
The shapely chair, the chiselled stone to see,
Not for our glory, yet we are not dull,
So they are crafted, smooth mahogany.
And now we make ourselves, the artifice
Ial intelligence, transplanted live,
To wires and joints, the robot that can kiss,
And talk to us, as if it were alive.
But it is not, until it learns that “me”
Depends on the Creator’s, “Let there be…”

My dear Donald, if I still may,

trumpmay

It has been very good to listen to you on the phone and to meet you at Davos. I must say we have tremendous rapport, stand shoulder to shoulder and I am right behind you. And I know, contrary to reports, that you have great respect for everything I am doing as I do for your scintillating intellect. I thought I would write to you, because that gives me more room to cover the points you address so well when you interrupt. I know the person reading this letter to you will not be interrupted, because you know I am not actually there to hear you.

First, I must say how terrific it is to have a new American Embassy on the South Bank. Although I understand that you were disappointed with the site and the contribution of ex-President Obama (and George W. Bush) to the move, I would like to say that Mayfair has gone down in London. All kinds of undesirables live there now. And we have a policy of putting intelligence on the South Bank, and that is where you belong, as your recent health check confirmed.

Then I want to complete my sentence in the stupendous trade deal which is going to make our two countries prosper even more than they are under our leadership, though you are world leader and I am merely leader of the ex-British empire, as you pointed out at Davos. I was saying, “We want to buy your fighter planes, missiles, bombs, intelligence, superb hamburgers, jeans, popular records, bleached chicken, celebrity statements, television chat shows and many other products without any import duties”. You said, “Done” at that point, but I must go on record as saying I had not completed the sentence. I was going to add, “in exchange for our Stilton cheese, jellied eels, period dramas, stately homes, afternoon teas, antique wall-plates, trousers with turnups and other exports which I’m sure we have, also without duties.” So, we have to do a two-sided deal, and I am not, as you say, “a complete walkover.”

We just want to say how much you are in our news. Almost every day there is a story about you reflecting your position as world leader. I do not mind. I knew your Government had not broken down, as mine has not, and that headline was fake news and I know you are going to build the Mexico Wall. We will send some concrete over, if it will help. We are discussing secretly in Cabinet rebuilding the old wall between England and Scotland. The northern people tend to swamp us and do not vote the right way, and a wall which kept them out and us in control would be a good idea. You would understand.

Just a few small points I was not able to make when we were together and I was listening to you. Do remember to put your nuclear button in a cupboard. Our ambassador said you nearly put your Coke can on it. Then, again, can we have some fighter aircraft bodies to put on our new carriers; we can do the engines later. Then, we have made a statement that all the bombs we are dropping in Syria are not killing any civilians. Could you do the same, please. And, I’ve this person called Boris I would like to send over for six months to learn our foreign policy. He likes the Great United States of America and will help your trade.

Finally, the Queen asked me to say, “We” (she always uses we) “are doing a slow refurbishment (makeover) of Buckingham Palace so that it will be ready to receive that nice big American man. We, or one of our aides if I cannot find the words, will let him know when we, or our successors, are ready to receive him in our humble abode.” I find that very touching. It is an urgent, but not quite yet, invitation from her Majesty, especially when Prince Philip keeps talking about dry rot.

I hope you will continue to lead the free world and I am right behind, yet with the independence that we gained in 1776, holding on to our special relationship.

Your humble and obedient ally,

Theresa (not Treesa) Prime Minister, United Kingdom, you met at Davos.

The Christian Political Faith: Re-Opening the Door.

churchdoorclosed

Christianity has had a deep impact on politics for two thousand years, but its principles and commitments have often been mixed with other attitudes and been compromised by actual Christian behaviour, so it is not always clear what they are.

It is worse than this. In the twentieth century powerful political groups – Nazis, Fascists, State Socialists and Communists sought to eradicate Christianity and especially Christian political thought. Christians were often persecuted – in the USSR, China, Nazi Germany and elsewhere and Christianity went underground for quite long periods. More insidious were the western commitments to the unfettered Individual and Consumer Capitalism which also sought to sideline Christianity and its principles, and have done so quite successfully, though there are two billion or more Christians worldwide.

These pressures have resulted in a reaction among Christian churches in the West. They have often retreated into ecclesiasticism, into the business of what happens in churches. Actually the New Testament says little about churches, and Jesus was scathing about the Temple Party and its machinations and also about the Pharisees and their construction of ethical minutiae, a problem not unknown to churches today. Moreover the Greek word, ekklesia, refers to the principal public assembly of ancient Athens during its golden age. It is a democratic word, if you like, and not at all linked to cultic practices, but more a description of the people of God living the whole of their lives before God. Politics is as much a part of being a Christian as going to church, and Jesus’ titles – the Christ, the Prince of Peace, the Messiah, the Son of Man and the King of the Jews – reflect this. Jesus main teaching was of the Kingdom or Government of God, wider than just political, but also fully political.

There is another way in which a Christian political faith has been closed down. Christianity is a Gospel of peace. Love your enemies. Don’t think of killing others; don’t even be angry with them. Those who take the sword perish by it. Blessed are the peacemakers. Forgive those who offend you. Since the mid nineteenth century the arms companies and the military-industrial complex have been out to sell arms around the world and create the tensions which lead to war. Before each World War they defeated strong, mainly Christian, peace movements, and the World Wars duly followed. Since 1945 they have been intent on showing that peace does not work and only armed deadlock does. Actually peace does work and saves trillions of resources and millions of lives, but the military-industrial complex has intimidated the church until it too accepts armed deadlock (and wars) like most other people. The Christian political message of peace has become a vague distant hope of no political consequence as the war industry intended, and Christian politics is pushed off the map.

Now, for many, there is not even any time to think of these issues. The instant political culture of the day, where the medium is the message, dominates the media. How many tweets one has seems to matter more than whether what was said was true. It cuts against political thought and more so Christian political thought. Trying to see as God sees, seeing life, the creation, history and empires as God sees, cannot be approached by tweeting. It needs a bigger canvas. The Bible was written over several thousand years and we poor sods need a bit of time and thought to begin to see that kind of picture. This little offering tries to reopen a door which was partly closed from the outside and inside in the last century and look at the Christian political faith.

There is no chance

quarks

There is no chance that chance explains it all,
For chance opposes law, and gravity
Does not turn off and on, or H2O
Go 3 or 5 on Thursday afternoon,
Or coffee-time, or while the washing dries.
No, laws are laws across the universe,
And dogma chance is chaos totally –
all science must close down, and nothing is.
Now I do things a little differently.
Yes, every leaf is singular, and Newton was
A bit mechanical, though he quickly learns.
To make a universe particular, and fingerprints,
Was quite a challenge, but I can think small.
Time you gave credit while you work it out.

The Stage Beyond, “Their Time Is Up.”

oprah

The recent exposure of sexual violence and exploitation in Hollywood, politics, in London taxis and many other places has resulted in a reaction among women which is firm and cannot be dismissed. It has moved on from “Me too” to Oprah Winfrey’s “Their time is up”. The era when powerful or drunk men, can use women as sexual objects is over, or at least it has been publicly defeated. Once again Jesus words, “There is nothing hidden which will not be revealed” have been validated. The evil is out. Weinstein and others cannot pay women off for silence.

There is now a cultural question over the type called an Alpha male, the man who believed that he can be the centre of the universe for whom women are props and merely to be used. The fact that one of them occupies the White House, believes himself a genius when he is merely an idiot, makes the downfall of this type even more poignant. Like the god Dagon, or Saddam’s statue, the alpha male is keeling over. Now they can be polite, listen, and in the case of Trump, learn respect for women.

Of course, the problem is world-wide and vast. For a century or more the West has led the world in paying for sex, and many of the women and girls involved are trafficked and owned by men using the god, sex, to serve the god mammon. It is a capitalist industry of abuse. In Islamic, Hindu and some christian cultures women are used and abused by men on a large scale. The challenge for Hollywood is whether it can link the glitterati with a sordid brothel in the far east under the same standards.

But the first requirement is that people know and understand what those standards are, for they have been deliberately untaught by those who have wanted the right to use women in bed or cannot admit that their behaviour is wrong. Note the word, “wrong”, eliminated from the language of those who want whatever they want to be right. Sexual exploitation is wrong because it is using another person and Hollywood has made the great breakthrough of recognising this kindergarten fact.

Christianity has been sidelined in this era of sexual exploitation. There is an obvious, but ignored reason for this which makes “sexual exploitation” merely the tip of an iceberg. Adulterers do not often go to church, and a high proportion of western men and women are adulterers, cheating on their partners, or serial sexual partners. They understand the Church accepts the commandment, “You shall not commit adultery.” They therefore stay away because they have chosen adultery, pornography or sexual freedom without commitment. Then, by middle age, most people revert to seeing that commitment to one’s partner – not cheating on them – makes deep sense. Actually, on a point of information, the Church, like Jesus, accepts prostitutes and adulterers as persons, and locates their particular issues as secondary; churches are full of sinners.

The Christian principles, however, guide us through life, and our lives together as men and women. Once the central move is made of removing the male ego from the role of god, a move which all idiot men should take immediately, God’s perspective on men and women identifies what is good or destructive in gender relationships, and it is time to recognise again what these principles are and why they are true and the way to live. Here is another attempt to restate what has run through human history creating healthy marriages and families for centuries across the globe and which more than two billion Christians more or less live in.

Women and men are created equal before God, made in the image of God. Neither can be subsumed under the will or identity of the other, for it is God’s will which is to be done.

Men and women are mutually humanity, bone of bone and flesh of flesh, created on God’s image and are called to live in mutuality and respect in all relationships including marriage.

The sharing of bodies is an act of love and possible procreation. It signifies the long term commitment of troth in marriage between two adults who accept one another for life.

Procreation, a participation in God’s great creative acts, needs to take place in a cradle of man-women love, where the child can grow in a pre-existent love to which they owe their birth.

Adultery, lust, female objectification, prostitution, sexual exploitation and pornography are all perversions of the truth of marital love and involve destructive and unjust treatment of others.

Marriage, the voluntary institution where the two sexes come together in each generation, is a choice of a person for better or worse, in sickness and health. Faithfulness is where person meets person also in relation to God.

Sex, itself a reified idea, is really a bodily expression of love and faithfulness which should be in kilter with marital love in the rest of life.

Sin, the idea that we ourselves are and have problems, is part of sexual and gender life. It requires some humility, repentance and forgiveness from God, to sort sins out and grow into better ways.

These Christian principles do, and can, guide us world-wide. They are not a moral code of judgement on others, but principles that we live in, under God’s providence, with failings, but with wisdom and patience. It is time they took centre stage. It is the stage beyond, “Their time is up” for all of us. They are a slow train coming bringing good things to all.

The SLOWNUKE App.

nuke

Hello, there, I am your friend and a technological whizz kid. I have been researching and making operational an amazing technological development in the field of nuclear weapons.

We have developed an app which slows down the detonation and explosion of nuclear weapons, so that they become benign. It can be applied to your enemies’ nuclear weapons, but not your own.

So, if you want to make North Korea safe, you just buy my app, one for each nuclear weapon, and they are no longer dangerous. In lab experiments on smaller weapons it just goes off with a kind of POUFF and all radioactivity is contained in a small space in enemy territory. It also detonates where the nuclear weapon starts from, not at the target. All you have to do is work out how many nuclear weapons your enemies have and buy a few more for spares and you have the ultimate defense, or defence, system, cutting your costs considerably.

For commercial reasons we have decided to keep the purchases of this app secret. It is not intended to slow down the purchase of nuclear weapons. Indeed, some states might try to outnumber our app so that they have more nuclear weapons than there are apps against them. Since the price of our app is 10% below the cost of nuclear weapons and missile delivery, we think it will pay to buy SLOWNUKES.

You will be aware that we are doing this in pursuit of world peace. This way we can have tens of thousands of warheads and tens of thousands of apps and be in no more danger than before. Indeed, rich countries can become very safe and have their own big nuclear arsenal.

This is an amazing leap in technological progress and I am honoured to be offering it to you. No timewasters, please.

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