It was good and positive to see you at the podium again, exercising strong leadership and speaking to the world. I see you were wearing a red tie. It is a good move. I have been wearing a lot of red dresses recently, one at a time, because it is not good for the socialists and communists to have the colour red all to themselves. In England we have the saying, “like a red rag to a bull”. Well, you are the bull and you have the red tie.

I was glad to see that you are fighting for America, and for American business, and to make America great again in relation to climate change. We are fighting to make Britain, and America, great again. I have had a word from Boris Johnson, our foreign man, saying that if you propose to rename America, the Great USA, would you give him notice, since he is thinking of the Great United Kingdom over here, and it would be good to launch GUSA and GUK together. He has been practising saying GUK and GUSA for weeks.

We, of course, do not take climate change too seriously and try to talk it down, especially since my predecessor went to the Arctic. We have lots of these frightful windmills that spoil the view on our country estates, but I am a teeny, weenie bit disappointed that you dropped the whole thing. Quite a lot of our people read science and think that billions of cars going around with their heaters on warms the planet. I know that you have not completely ruled that out. I have passed on your brilliant idea of big air conditioners made in America to our environment people. Also, your trade man asked if we have coal. Yes, we do – somewhere up North – but I’m sure we could import some good ol’ American coal, as you say. But I am sure that you alone can fight off climate change in America and we will fight it off here, “on the beaches” as our great leader Churchill said.

You nearly asked me about our election next week. I would like to say that I am showing strong and stable leadership and fighting for Great Britain. It is imperative that I am in the Negotiating Chair for Brexit (that Europe thing) and I will make Britain great again. When I say we will be a world leader, I do not mean, the world leader, which of course is you, but we will be slightly behind. I am looking forward to my next summit with you when I am re-elected by a big majority because I am the best vote by far. Could I just say that I do not mind if this paragraph is leaked.

Can I just say how much I appreciate how tough it is when one’s party becomes toxic and the whole election depends on oneself. But I will come through, and like yourself, win a resounding electoral victory supported by an overwhelming majority who will come together in unity under my and our leadership giving a bright future for everybody. I am asking the Queen again about your castle thing.

Just so that your man does not have to read this letter I am sending a taped version, so that you can hear my British accent and I do not have to hear your interruptions.

With spiffling, as we say in England, best wishes,

Theresa.