Don’t let Communist Russia get away with it.

boristennis

Could I say, as Foreign Secretary for Overseas how completely disgusting it is that Putin is poisoning our Russians. Mr Skruple is an honoured citizen among us, one of the people we want to welcome as immigrants, but not too many of them and we want others to go back after Brexit. Mr Skruple was indeed invited to this country for services done for Britain, entirely above board, in collecting information for which we did not pay about Russian football results.

Russia is up to the right on your maps of the world. It is big and you can’t miss it, as my Permanent Secretary said to me. It is a big wicked Communist country controlled by oligarchs, except the ones who come over here. I was honoured to play a tennis match with Mrs Chernukhin, and she was a good oligarch’s wife. I let her win and she donated £160,000 to the Conservative Party, thus proving that not all oligarchs are Communist, as are not the other oligarchs and oligarchs’ wives who have given £820,000 to the Conservative Party. I may add that £160K for two sets puts me up there with that Swiss feller in the value of my shots. These are honourable people, our kind of nice guys, and we welcome them to Britain as we welcome all who will give Conservatives dosh.

At Eton I was a boarder which is ultimate qualification for immigration control. One side of a boarder is in and the other side is out and no messing about, as I will make clear when I am Caesar, or Boris the Bold, as I am inviting you ordinary people to call me. And Salisbury is in Britain. That is why I, as Foreign Secretary,am speaking about it. It is in my patch, as they say, Russia not Salisbury.

Even today as Putin faces re-election we face the fact that, although Jeremy Corbyn is backing Communist Putin, he has authorised the poisoning of people on our soil. The verdict has been given by Mrs May, and also by the Daily Mail, and we are certain of it. I, as Foreign Secretary, am certain of it. It is another case of weapons of mass destruction which should have been destroyed being used against us, like Iraq, and Putin in my book is a rotter like Saddam; he should be whacked. Our quarrel is not with Russian oligarchs, but with the Kremlin, and, if I may say, we will get NATO to do endless war games and manoovers in Ukraine and the Russian borders to show we want a peaceful world.

You want a servant

You want a servant. We have done our best
To make your porridge, poach your eggs, and hens.
The North Sea gas required a little time,
And earth from rocks, and grain to feed your birds,
And coffee needs a different temperature –
We could not put it in your garden plot.
You have to do a little for yourself,
For several billion more need food, like you.
We focussed on strategic issues like
Air, water, complex molecules and size,
Earth, sun and life in multivariant forms,
So Sabbath thanks is due, perhaps, sometime,
Not chance explaining everything, but naught,
The unexplained summation of your lives.

Can the Church run?

marathon

We Christians are running the race, individually and corporately. There should be training, singlemindedness, speed, and perseverance in the race. We are to get to the finish, God’s finish. Paul is quite clear about it. Not just individuals, but the Church is also corporately running a race. God’s purposes are to be met. We should be an efficient international corporation integrated to God’s will, not a medieval starting post.

One of Christ’s aims is peace. He is the Prince of Peace. He instructs us to be peacemakers. In him we are at peace with God. His peace he left with us, and he asks us to pass it on. He requires behaviour ruling out retaliation, aggression and threat. Yet, frankly, in this race we are at present pissing about at the start and even running backwards. Take part in this thought experiment. Listen carefully. Peace is disarmament. Ah. Your mind goes. There is something wrong there. You are not sure about that. If a gun goes off, a harmless gun, like the Lone Ranger’s, you will still be standing at the start puzzling. There is something not quite right about disarmament.

Disarmament has a bad name, because a different message is told each day by governments, the arms companies and their spokesmen, the dominant news media, the military establishment, security groups and the whole establishment including the Church of England in its ritual role. We hear the message so often, we cannot even listen to it. It is already in our heads. This is what we have heard since we were infants. It is the most successful bit of propaganda in the whole of human history. We need to be armed for peace and disarmament means war. The message is Churchillian, though Churchill was complex. It was frozen in the Cold War into an eternal truth, where another bit was added. If you talk disarmament, you are probably a Communist and a traitor. It did not change when the Cold War thawed, and now, thank goodness, Putin is threatening us again with new nuclear strike weapons. We need weapons for peace, no doubt about it. This race for disarmed peace should not be run.

So. Christianity is wrong and pleasantly idealistic, a nice cosy make-believe that clergy can intone, which finishes up with churchgoers kissing one another before they go back out to the real world to back the military for our defence. The bishops and the Church Establishment have more or less accepted that Christ is wrong.

Except that now we have heard that idiot Trump say, “We are all safer with guns under our pillows.” We have seen the obscene statistics of gun related deaths in the United States when everyone is armed, and followed the stories of people being shot by their kids or the dogs by mistake. We know guns do not make us safe; they kill and maim, and a lot of them leads to a lot of shoot-outs. The idiot, Trump, is asserting a lie and hoping it will carry the day. But we are not that stupid..

Except, too, that we are reassessing the biggest failed experiment in history. Arming the world has not led to peace. It has led to two World Wars and countless other ones. George W. Bush’s intervention with Tony Blair in Iraq did not lead to “Mission Accomplished” in 2003 but is still Mission Unaccomplished and regional chaos and devastation now. After a century it is two hundred million dead and still counting. Weapons bring threats, arms races, scares, attacks and most wars are not about territory or empire, but the weapons the other side has, or might have. Weapons, and the people who have bought into militarism cause wars. Every day the mantra that weapons give us peace wears thinner, and now we can easily see right through it.

Of course, there is some small print in the world-wide armament push by the munitions people and their governments. Their deal with us is that weapons might not bring peace, but they will bring peace for us. As long as we are selfish, it does not really matter about the people in Iraq, Syria, Yemen, Sudan, Libya, Afghanistan, Myanmar and all the other places which are at war. We will be safe. But since 9/11 even this modified form does not work. Our tiny minds can see the link between western bombing of the Middle East and so-called Islamic Terrorism. OK, so terrorists are attacking us, but weren’t we attacking them. People tend to want to get back at those who drop bombs on them. Bomb London. Bomb Dresden. See the link. In the global military era wars will be global, not local.

Thus, arming, killing does not bring peace. Arms are for war and we disarm for peace. Despite decades of propaganda by the priests of militarism, we can see that arms do not bring peace. Arms brings wars and rumours of wars. The present world military position is akin to the Gaderene Swine at full pelt. We are arming pressure points around the world, and the arms companies, the merchants of death, are loving it.

So, if we stand back and consider, Christ might be right. Indeed, Christ is right. The Christian Church can run the disarmament race, because Christianity is not wrong, but deeply deeply right. The Gospel of peace means disarmament, among other things, as Isaiah recognised long before Christ and disarmament works, even though the arms companies have prevented it being tried since the start of the twentieth century.

We Christians could take this on. We could be focussed, efficient towards the goal. We have 2.3 billion of the world’s population, 31% of the whole, at the starting point, at present unsure whether to run, of even not aware that they are in a race, because they have listened to the false prophets of the arms trade and the military-industrial complex saying weapons give us peace. But now, thanks to Trump, the ludicrous nature of this claim is out of the bag. Actually, arms do not give peace, but generate military crisis after military crisis leaving 60 million refugees and devastation from East to West. Of course peace means disarmament. Aside the brainwashing, there is no doubt about it – no weapons means no threats, mutual, law-abiding, policed, international relations such as operate within most disarmed countries now. In the UK it is unusual to need armed policing. Yorkshire and Lancashire worked out they did not need to fight or arm five hundred years ago and we can do it now. Disarmament is far easier than armament.

So now the Church can be ready to run, can know where it is going, can see the tape. It can back world multilateral disarmament in ten years. It can turn destroyers into aid relief vessels and bombs into quarries. It can make peace. Fully mobilised, we are already well on the way to a world majority. These who take the sword die by the sword, but those who fight with the belt of truth, the helmet of salvation, the boots of peace and as their weapon the spirit and word of God can run and cross the line, some 2 billion travelling in the same direction for a peaceful world.

The race must be well underway by 11/11/2018. There is not much time. And it needs the Christians now who will transmit the central truths. Christ insisted before the crucifixion we must be ready. And here in little Britain with its great self-applauding military establishment, the bishops and other church people must be prepared to quit the Establishment and step up for this race. In fact, the gun has now gone off.

The Church of England can stay in its museum culture, a hundred years behind the issues of the day, lost in its ecclesiasticism, or it can wake up and run, fast and efficiently, in line with the world-transforming Gospel, doing a lot of rethinking very quickly. If the Church is unready, it will be a world calamity, as it was in 1932. Each and all of us can run the disarmament race to God’s finish. The route is actually marked out quite well..

Let’s talk about the Weather

boris

Hello, ordinary folk,

Weather will cover the whole of the UK today, and it will get jolly worse overnight. I am going to talk about it because it doesn’t involve reading, and I am Foreign Secretary and our weather always starts as foreign. At present weather is coming from the Brexit countries, but it will improve when we leave Europe properly.

I have had a lot of experience of the weather. Sometimes it is good and sometimes it is bad. When I was Major of London it was outstanding and the Romans had good weather too. They built Hadrian’s Wall to keep the bad weather out, and if I may say so, some rotter knocked it down.

I am in full agreement with the Prime Minister about the weather and I’m sure she will look after it very well. Gosh. Where is my coat? Yes, I am going to do my best to make sure that the weather improves. By June I expect my policies to have an effect and make you warmer. I do not expect gratitude. It is just part of the job. But we might have an election then, and I want you to remember how bad it is now under Labour with closed schools, trains not working and the Communist beast from the east. I say, is Putin Communist? Or something.

And where is France you may well ask? We will get our weather from new places, like Guatamala and the Virgin Islands, and I will stop now because my Private Secretary is waving his arms at me because of the weather.

My World Policy

WHflorida

Dear TERESA, got it right, but now my dictation typist takes over. I dictate and she rights.

Sometimes we leaders have got to stick together, though I am the leader of the Free World and you are Prime Minister of Medium Britain, as I have decided to call you now. I’m glad things are proceeding with my state visit. I want to meet your fuzzy wuzzies with guns that the Queen has and I will ask if she can spare some for over here.

You may be aware that guns are a bit in the news over here after the Florida accident. I was very sympathetic to the poor critters who had lost children as the picture shows quite clearly. They were upset, bless them, and started blaming the GUNS instead of the nutter who was using the gun. Never blame the gun, I say, when it is the human who is mad. We have a problem with mad humans. Everyone can see that. We must be ready to shoot them.

Mind you, I had a problem. My solution was to arm the teachers. I said it out straight to the crying people I let in the White House. That will solve it I said. But then it came out that there was an armed officer with a gun at the Florida School. He stood outside for four minutes without shooting because he did not want to be killed. He was messing my policy up before I said it. It is difficult to be world leader when you are surrounded by idiots. Now we need guys to shoot the teachers with guns who do not shoot the mad killers.

But now I have discovered my world policy. Just as guns keep everybody safe here in the Great United States of America (I do not like GUSA; it does not sound right – the President added quietly), so, this is a long sentence, Jolene, we need more guns and bombs around the world to keep everybody safe. Did you get that, Jolene? The problem in Syria is that the Ruskies are selling bombs and stuff to Assad, and we are not selling enough bombs and stuff to the other side. They say they can’t afford them and are dying, but they would be better spending money on bombs than hospitals and stuff, because when the bombs are equal the war will stop. In the same way when all the weapons are equal all around the world, then all the wars will end. That is world policy. Goddammit, I’ve got to finish this soon. What is her name?

I’m offering you a whole load of our weapons cheap, Teresa. I hear you are having problems with France and Northern Ireland, but if you have weapons they will fall into line. So that’s it. That is Free World policy. So, let’s get on with it. And could I have a soldier on every hole of my golf course just in case.

Thank you Teresa and Jolene, over and out.

The President of the Great United States of America

Before the Eye

DSC_0305

We Cambridge people think things through a bit,

While you make light of light and then switch off.

So photons travel 60 trillion miles,

without much fuel, nearly straight ahead,

while we are merely going round the Sun.

They thread a needle’s eye but are diffuse,

And seem to be quite light, and do not fight.

They give us paintings, colours, tone and line,

and, subtle, bounce some six or seven times.

So did this all evolve, our retinas

from sense cells formed in early slime?

No, this exquisite universe alight,

Was made before the animate was born,

before all eyes had ever come to form.

My Speech to the Nation

boris

Friends, Romans, Countrymen,

I have been asked by Teresa to speak to you about Brexit, and I am happy to oblige. It is a privilege. Indeed, privilege to be an Englishman, and to vote for myself and all I stand for, is what Brexit is about. I will not mention the War. Indeed, I cannot mention the War, because I might say something silly and spoil my chances of becoming the next Prime Minister. As I sit in Cabinet with a slight smile on my face, at once loyal and distant, I think “What would Billy Bunter do?” and I know he would have voted for Brexit, illegally, because he was under age, but voted nonetheless.

And Brutus, et tu Brute, as they taught us at school, he would have voted for Brexit – not Brexit left as the stage directions say, for Corbyn is a lean and hungry man. He thinks too much. Such men are dangerous, as I Julius so perceptively saw it in ancient Rome. No, we must fight them in the trenches and fight them in the restaurants. What after all is wrong with bangers and mash and fish and chips, as long as they come in the Daily Mail?

But I want to reach out to the remainers, those poor losers who were not taken in by all the things I was saying. Let me say to you that once I was not sure, and Dave was Prime Minister. Then I made up my mind and Dave went and so did George. That was a great day and remained so (if I may use the word) until my friend, Michael Gove, withdrew support for me as Prime Minister, and I was stabbed, but not fatally. Now you too can agree with what I say, and lose your critical faculties.

When we are fully Brexit and people vote again as Brits, and they can only vote Conservative, because Conservatives are for growth, equality, empire, the Monarchy, though I am not sure about Charles, wealth and prosperity for all, then I may still be Prime Minister, because Teresa is a loser and I am a winner, and that is what Brexit is for.

The time has come for Britain to be great again. That is why I wrote my book about Churchill and try to look like him. We need to think globally and reconstruct the Empire. We do not need Europe. Indeed, holidays in Europe are parochial. They lack vision. Let us reach out I say. Let us look to far horizons. Let us pull together. The scrum of life is before us. In rugby we push and in rowing we pull, and that is what Britain is all about.

As we march to victory with boundary changes in my constituency, let us realize that never in human history was so much owed by so many to so few with still even more money in tax havens, as Winston said. Sit down to rapturous applause and dip slightly having tousled hair in an endearing manner.

To the President of the Great United States of America.

May

My dear Donald,

Could I just say that you are a wonderful President and are leading the Great United States of America to a new wonderful future and are making decisive decisions every day and are the great world leader of our time. At this point, rather than having my letter read to you, you might like to read it directly yourself word by word, because I have a few things to discuss privately. Thank you.

First, can I say in short words that we do not like you to say that our health service is not doing well. I have checked your exact words, and you say that our system is “going broke and not working”. I need to say that is not good enough, when I am trying to say the opposite. People are supposed to be nice to their friends, so that when they need them, they support them in turn. I could criticize you and say that I think your wall is silly, not that I do – it is a wonderful wall, or it will be when it is eventually built, but we do not do that to our friends.

In England we have an old English word called “etiquette”. It means you smooth your skirt when you sit down and hold your tea cup nicely. Etiquette says there are a lot of things that are not done and rubbishing your friends is one of them, or rather NOT rubbishing your friends. Can I say I do not expect any more of the things I am doing over here to be rubbished across the world. It Is Not Done, IIND for short. Keep saying IIND to yourself when you talk about Britain.

So, for example, I could say the US Stock Market is going broke and is not working, after yesterday’s slump, but IIND, because it would not be supporting you as world leader and might make things difficult for you, and because you are a great businessman and build good towers called Trump Towers.

By the way, if I may, did you like the bricks I sent you? I hope your wife liked the shoes. You can play with the bricks on your desk. The letters on the side say, “Trump Tower”, and they are on all sides of the brick so that it does not matter which way round you put them, though you must not get them upside down, something it is easy to do in politics. Because you have to start at the bottom, (or at least the proletariat does. ha ha ha) you have to put the bricks on in the order R E W O T P M U R T and then when you stand back it spells TRUMP TOWER downwards. I know you like things which stick up and it may take your mind off other things like wockets. Sorry I mentioned them.

We are still working on your visit. The Queen has suggested you might like to go to Balmoral, which is her castle in the North. That way you can visit your golf course, we can arrange a rapturous welcome, you could kill a few stags and have the great English delicacy called Haggis. I will send over a kilt for you to wear and although your fans all over Britain will not see much of you, it will be a royal occasion – If the Queen is well enough to attend. At present she has a nasty persistent cough. You mentioned you quite liked the idea of being king of the GUSA, and you will be able to discuss that with the Duke of Edinburgh, Prince Philip who never quite made it. Ha. Ha. Ha. Do not mention to the Queen that you like her job or want your head on our stamps.

I am looking forward to seeing you again. I do not have much excitement over here and it is nice having a closest ally. Next time we meet we could discuss possible enemies, your brick tower and I will not mention the Russians. Oops. Thank you for getting Teresa right. I like to be three syllables.

Theresa May
United Kingdom (British) Prime Minister.

Beyond Artificial Intelligence

MAadam

So we are pale reflections, we see the
Things that we have made, that serve us here,
The manufactured things for us to be,
Usward, our make life easy, comfort gear.
But then we make the objects beautiful,
The shapely chair, the chiselled stone to see,
Not for our glory, yet we are not dull,
So they are crafted, smooth mahogany.
And now we make ourselves, the artifice
Ial intelligence, transplanted live,
To wires and joints, the robot that can kiss,
And talk to us, as if it were alive.
But it is not, until it learns that “me”
Depends on the Creator’s, “Let there be…”

My dear Donald, if I still may,

trumpmay

It has been very good to listen to you on the phone and to meet you at Davos. I must say we have tremendous rapport, stand shoulder to shoulder and I am right behind you. And I know, contrary to reports, that you have great respect for everything I am doing as I do for your scintillating intellect. I thought I would write to you, because that gives me more room to cover the points you address so well when you interrupt. I know the person reading this letter to you will not be interrupted, because you know I am not actually there to hear you.

First, I must say how terrific it is to have a new American Embassy on the South Bank. Although I understand that you were disappointed with the site and the contribution of ex-President Obama (and George W. Bush) to the move, I would like to say that Mayfair has gone down in London. All kinds of undesirables live there now. And we have a policy of putting intelligence on the South Bank, and that is where you belong, as your recent health check confirmed.

Then I want to complete my sentence in the stupendous trade deal which is going to make our two countries prosper even more than they are under our leadership, though you are world leader and I am merely leader of the ex-British empire, as you pointed out at Davos. I was saying, “We want to buy your fighter planes, missiles, bombs, intelligence, superb hamburgers, jeans, popular records, bleached chicken, celebrity statements, television chat shows and many other products without any import duties”. You said, “Done” at that point, but I must go on record as saying I had not completed the sentence. I was going to add, “in exchange for our Stilton cheese, jellied eels, period dramas, stately homes, afternoon teas, antique wall-plates, trousers with turnups and other exports which I’m sure we have, also without duties.” So, we have to do a two-sided deal, and I am not, as you say, “a complete walkover.”

We just want to say how much you are in our news. Almost every day there is a story about you reflecting your position as world leader. I do not mind. I knew your Government had not broken down, as mine has not, and that headline was fake news and I know you are going to build the Mexico Wall. We will send some concrete over, if it will help. We are discussing secretly in Cabinet rebuilding the old wall between England and Scotland. The northern people tend to swamp us and do not vote the right way, and a wall which kept them out and us in control would be a good idea. You would understand.

Just a few small points I was not able to make when we were together and I was listening to you. Do remember to put your nuclear button in a cupboard. Our ambassador said you nearly put your Coke can on it. Then, again, can we have some fighter aircraft bodies to put on our new carriers; we can do the engines later. Then, we have made a statement that all the bombs we are dropping in Syria are not killing any civilians. Could you do the same, please. And, I’ve this person called Boris I would like to send over for six months to learn our foreign policy. He likes the Great United States of America and will help your trade.

Finally, the Queen asked me to say, “We” (she always uses we) “are doing a slow refurbishment (makeover) of Buckingham Palace so that it will be ready to receive that nice big American man. We, or one of our aides if I cannot find the words, will let him know when we, or our successors, are ready to receive him in our humble abode.” I find that very touching. It is an urgent, but not quite yet, invitation from her Majesty, especially when Prince Philip keeps talking about dry rot.

I hope you will continue to lead the free world and I am right behind, yet with the independence that we gained in 1776, holding on to our special relationship.

Your humble and obedient ally,

Theresa (not Treesa) Prime Minister, United Kingdom, you met at Davos.