My Dear Donald,
No sooner had I stepped carefully into the plane than I thought of writing to you to thank you for your hospitality and to cement our special relationship. I can still remember the thrill when your face appeared at the bottom of the soup bowl the right way up. The special relationship is deeply historical. It began with George III and Thomas Jefferson and carried on with Ronald Reagan and Mrs Thatcher, though you are younger and much more dynamic than Ronnie, Donnie.
About leading the world. We bring different things. You are the greatest. In fact I am passing legislation (you have to be careful with our Supreme Court and the Constitution, though we have an unwritten Constitution which you would like) to rename the United States as The GUSA, since you are well on your way to achieving your magnificent goal. You will lead from the front, and I will be three paces behind talking to your delightful wife about shoes. Where we go, the direction in which you lead, will depend on you, and really it does not matter, as long as you do it.
Of course, I am a strong woman, like Mrs Thatcher, and that is why I would like to say that I am against torture. It is unpleasant, and in England we do not knowingly do it. We have class. We are upper class and we intend to bring a bit of class to leading the world. That is our contribution, as long as it is not too expensive. And it is a matter of principle. To torture someone because they might be evil is a bit hit or miss, or actually a bit hit, because torturers usually do not miss when their subjects are tied up. Nevertheless, I admit you were right that most of the ISIS leaders were in Abu Graib prison and you could have finished off the business then. But we do not want to hear about torture, and I shall call it “persistent questioning” from now on. So now you know I am a strong woman and we have class. I shall decline your kind offer of some sneakers, though American shoes are among the finest in the world.
Thank you for self-destructing our wocket, made by the outstanding Lockheed Martin, before it could do any damage in The GUSA. No, we can manage without it. We will just buy another one to help your US exports. If you can straighten out the bend, it will help; we were aiming at Africa. I hear you are building some new wockets to fight the enemy. We are interested as long as they go up and along like the others and only threaten to kill millions of people and make the planet uninhabitable, which shows we leaders of the world are strong, but do not do it. We hope we can have the papier mache spares as with Trident. Thank you, Mr President.
One common theme in our discussions is the danger of care, especially health care. It can be a drain on public money, diverting it from the military and pipelines. I am pleased to see that you are cutting Obamacare, and talking about it. We cut, but do not talk about it. Like you, we are looking to companies which can run care for a profit. They are called Whocares and will make socialism in Britain disappear. Your suggestions of things you could do in Britain was interesting. We do not intend to extend tax avoidance, though I am in awe of your creative accounting. We will expand your golf course in Scotland, but not throughout Scotland, and I am not raising yet the pipeline to the West of London with her Majesty. Things are a little more complicated here with a monarchy, though you might like to think about it; they are elected without counting and carry on for life.
As this letter is read to you while you are signing more executive orders, I want to remind you that we need Danger, especially from Russia. Less than 20% of our people believe in attacks from outer space. You cannot have a special relationship with Russia when you have one with us. It is upsetting to us, and I do pique. We can have more than one enemy at a time and the aim is to expand the Danger. We are now fighting in Iraq, Afghanistan, Syria, Yemen and the Ukraine and the military is flourishing. We are punching above our weight, but usually behind your superb lead.
In times to come this letter will be known as The GUSA letter, though I am so glad that you are closing down free speech and it will not be leaked. Why have free speech when we believe in charging for everything? In GB when information leaks out, we just say, “No comment”, not directly, but through a spokesperson. Finally, I’m so glad that you are building a wall around The GUSA to keep out global warming, should it occur, and I am sure you are right it will not. Let’s remember you (and I) are leading the world. I have a month named after me and think you should change March. I hope this letter has your full attention but will resend in case.
Your faithful and obedient servant,
Theresa (Britain, your ally)